Wow this is a really nice home you’ve got here! It has been the highlight of my career to spend the afternoon bathing in the awesomeness of this fine example of tract home construction. I’ve just noted a few minor items. Nothing worth mentioning, really. It’ll be summarized in my report. The point is, you really scored here! Good one! That will be forty-katrillion dollars.
The property inspector in the inspection report:
WARNING! DO NOT BUY THIS HOUSE UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE AND BE MOCKED BY YOUR SON’S MIDDLE SCHOOL ALGEBRA TEACHER ON BACK-TO-SCHOOL NIGHT, NOT NECESSARILY IN THAT ORDER.
Summary of findings:
1. Light fixture in master bedroom closet inoperable. This may be an indication of naturally occurring asbestos or a cracked slab. Recommend further investigation by a licensed geotechnical specialist from the Army Corps of Engineers properly equipped with government regulation Hazmat attire. (Approved safety garments will be day-glo orange and include a patch on the right breast clearly displaying specialist’s name, such as “Bob.” Recent Senate Bill 48987C, however, included a consumer advisory that the inspector’s name should ideally be “Jim.”) If through industry-standard destructive testing techniques involving blow torches, wrecking balls and a pack of feral wildebeests wielding Exacto knives, it is determined that the light bulb has indeed failed, necessary mitigation may include (but not be limited to) replumbing of the residence, an extensive kitchen remodel with granite and Viking appliances, a new 30-year roof, and installation of a carbon monoxide detector in your left cerebral cortex. Note: Inspector assumes no liability for information contained herein. Do not rely on this report.