Short Stories

Creative Commons License photo credit: blvesboy

The stories you are about to read are true. Only the names (and a few other little details) have been changed to protect the innocent.

Episode 1 – The Listing Agent Takes a Call

Buyer’s Agent: “I am calling on your listing at 11467 Vista de Stucco. It is a short-sale?”

Seller’s Agent: “No.”

Buyer’s Agent: “Are you sure? Because my client needs to close escrow before he starts his new job.”

Seller’s Agent: “Yes, I’m sure. It is not a short-sale. When does his new job start?”

Buyer’s Agent: “2012.”

Seller’s Agent: “We’re good.”

Buyer’s Agent: “Are you really sure? I mean, is there a chance that it could become short? Because we wrote an offer on a short-sale during the Bush Administration (the first one), but then the bank lost the paperwork, then thirty-eight other offers came in, and then we resubmitted at a higher price to stay in first position, and then the holder of the second trust deed wouldn’t approve the sale, but then he said he would, but then they lost the paperwork, and then they accepted our offer, and then the agents agreed to reduce their commissions to $1.95 and a two-for-one movie ticket, and then yesterday the sellers moved and took all of the door knobs, and…

Seller’s Agent: “I’m sure. The seller has a lot of equity.”

Buyer’s Agent: “You don’t have to be a smart-ass. Just answer the question, is it short?”

Episode 2 – Checking Availability

Scene 1 – On the Phone

Buyer’s Agent: “I am checking availability on your bank owned listing at 47 Rue de Red Tile Roofs, #12. Do you have any offers?

Seller’s Agent: “No we don’t. The buyer must be prequalified by Irv at Lemonade Out of Lemons Lending.”

Scene 2 – On the Phone

Buyer: “Hi, Irv. I want to make an offer on Rue de Red Tile Roofs. It’s the one with the red tile roof. My agent said I have to first get a prequalification letter from you.”

Irv: “Great! You will need to come into my office and complete a loan application.”

Buyer: “But I already have loan approval from my lender.”

Irv: “Do you want the house or not?”

Scene 3 – In the Lender’s Office

Irv: “We already have an offer on this home. It is $2,000 above asking price. If you want it, you will need to offer more.”

Buyer: “But my agent said there are no offers.”

Irv: “The last buyer backed out because the home has mold. It is massive mold, multiplying and permeating every inch of interior drywall as we speak. The work should be done by Friday, then the price will be going up. So, let’s fill out that loan app!”

Buyer: “But I don’t want it now.”

Irv: “Let’s just run your credit anyway…”

Scene 4: On the Phone (Again)

Buyer’s Agent: “I thought you said this morning that you don’t have any offers on Rue de Red Tile Roof. What gives?”

Seller’s Agent: “Oh! My bad! I thought you were talking about my new one on Shake Shingle Circle. Boy, have I been getting a lot of calls on that one today!”

Buyer’s Agent: “So you have an offer on Rue whatever?”

Seller’s Agent: “No.”

Buyer’s Agent: “But the lender said…”

Seller’s Agent: “He must be confusing it with another home.”

Buyer’s Agent: “I find it a little inappropriate that the lender, in effect, the seller, is making representations about the property to my client directly. For instance, he mentioned that the home is a veritable Petri dish of wood destroying infestation…

Seller’s Agent: “There is only mold in the patio cover. That is being taken care of.”

Buyer’s Agent: “He said the price would be going up soon.”

Seller’s Agent: “I don’t know anything about that.”

Buyer’s Agent: “So, you don’t have any offers?”

Seller’s Agent: “May I ask about which home are you inquiring?”

Buyer’s Agent: “Oh, never mind.”

In next week’s episode, investigators are puzzled when a lender prices a home at market value and selects an agent to represent them who isn’t handling 192 other distressed properties and can therefore keep his inventory straight. When the lender responds swiftly to the ensuing purchase offers, foul play is suspected.

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