Girls just wanna have fun. To all of the great agents out there, you?ll get it. To everyone else, thank goodness I have a new week ahead of me.
IDAHO — Real estate rookie Jack Russell rocked the community of Lantern, Idaho yesterday when he admitted that he is not really the Neighborhood Specialist.
His confession came shortly after being charged with reckless endangerment. Having recently attended a seminar on the power of social media and under the auspices of being busy-busy-busy, he had been filming a video for his popular blog, ?You Don?t Know Jack,? while driving aimlessly around his landlocked state with no real agenda.
Witnesses who know the agent from his alias ?Jack ?O Lantern? (as inscribed on local bus benches, shopping carts, and those stupid coupon books that fall out of the Penny Saver before you can dislodge them from the mailbox) reported that he had several near misses involving a jogger, an ice cream truck, and the Taco Bell. During his broadcast, however, Mr. Russell did manage to take out a couple of parked cars and the ?No Right Turn? sign a 5th and Elm before coming to rest in the yard of the real Neighborhood Specialist.
?He seemed to be talking to his dashboard when he veered into the exploding perennial color framing my professionally landscaped front yard,? said Top Producer and Millennium Buckets of Money Exalted Order of the Precious Medals award recipient, Dorothy ?There?s No Place Like Home? Osgood, who also owns the contiguous spacious, lovingly maintained and highly upgraded home with four-bedroom plus an optional loft.
When authorities arrived, Mr. Russell was overheard muttering something about divorcing commissions, how to pick your agent, and the ten biggest selling mistakes.
Officer Pat Downs was first to arrive on the scene. ?Mr. Russell was clearly shaken and concerned about sentencing. He kept saying stuff about being an agent for life and could string together no more than 140 coherent characters at a time. From what I was able to gather, he likes Mexican food and Iron Butterfly.?
It wasn?t until late in the investigation, however, that law enforcement officials suspected they had been mislead. ?I did not immediately suspect that Mr. Russell was only posing as the go-to guy for ?service, satisfaction, and results.? Hey, I was ready to cut him some slack; after all, he?s Number One! Obviously a professional, he even produced credentials — a business card bearing a bunch of initials, little embossed trophy likenesses, and a picture of him with his terrier. Seemed legit enough.?
An anonymous source reports that the smoking gun came in the form of several reams of testimonials recovered from the trunk of the vehicle, all written in the first person.
?Except for the life endangerment thingy, no crime has been committed,? Offer Downs explained. ?So, he embellished. I have a T-shirt that says ?World?s Greatest Dad,? but no one in their right mind is buying that either.?
Neighbors saw it differently, however. ?If you can?t trust a Realtor, who can you trust?? said one potential lead from his farm who had yet to be converted and asked to remain anonymous.
One of Mr. Russell?s ?buyer clients,? on the other hand, came to his defense. ?Jack?s the best. He?s been showing me homes for, what, 17 months now. Heck, I may never buy. Not even sure I will find a job. But I?m having a blast, and I trust him. He can open that lockbox like nobody?s business. He was even able to counsel me on the intricacies of home buying, like how it?s OK to ignore the ?No Shoes? sign, ?cause nobody?s gonna know. That?s what I call experience.?
At press time, Mr. Russell was unavailable for comment, as all calls received after 5:00 PM are returned on the following business day.
In addition to reckless driving, Mr. Russell now faces charges of bribery and harassment. ?He offered me a free CMA,? said the shift Sergeant, ?and he warned that he would be following me on Twitter.?